you are getting ready…and are so very busy, you don’t have a second to breathe.

your words, not mine.

but you still have time to sit and take me in…the only way you can.

make sure you are walking towards something beautiful, and not running away.

because, as sure as the moon and the stars…

no matter how far you run…you still wake up from the very thing you were running away from in the first place…

yourself.

i wish you some sense of peace.

i may not like you….but once upon a time there was a version of you i adored.

the least i can do is wish you peace.

you KNEW i did this…you were very well aware that i wanted nothing more to do with you…and more importantly i wanted you knowing nothing about my life.

being a part of my life is a luxury.

Now…you call me and ask for the link to my blog because you miss my writing.

are you for real?  you just keep getting crazier and crazier.

I’ll get right on that

With my sayings

Things that reflect me…as a person

Things I’ve used my whole adult life.

I see you stealing them…and I feel the red in my face

My words were never yours to use

Never yours to steal.

Little things…that you obviously picked up from me…and claimed them as yours.

As if that wasn’t bad enough….

I see a whole writing of mine…that I wrote…on my own blog…posted as yours

Those are not your words!!!

It’s amazing the things you uncover on google.

Those are my words.  My emotions stringed them together to create that beautiful poetry
That you are claiming as your OWN.

How can you take credit for my feelings…my emotions?

I can’t even click on the link I am so shocked and disappointed.

MY WORDS.

But there is not a damn thing I can do about it….not a thing

And so I sit here and take it

Instead of calling you out on it.

I hate it.

Be creative and do your own thing.

Don’t feed off of mine.

You can steal my words, but never own the emotions that created them.

That is all.

I barely ever do that you know…think of you…but today the number stood out in my mind.

You are a lover of all things circular.  Your favourite number is 8.  actually 888.  Something about ‘em you said.

So imagine my surprise…that it was YOU who was my 888^th reader.

We once agreed that the universe was an amazing goddess…and that nothing is coincidence.

I won’t take too much time out to over analyze this one.  Perhaps I was meant to think of you today…in a way that was no longer familiar to me when it comes to you.

More than a fleeting thought…more than an irritation in the back of my brain.

I thought for perhaps a second how much you would enjoy knowing this…

But it’s not my place.  Nor do I want it to be.

Maybe the universe is trying to remind me of the parts I once liked…cause those memories don’t come to me at all.  

Who knows.

Just sayin’

And breathe.

Lay your head on my shoulder and let go.

Sometimes, I know…things seem impossible

Like you just can’t do any more

And you just want to give up.

Don’t give up.  I am right here.

I will never let you fail…I will never let you fall.

I’ve waited my whole life for you

I was in a deep slumber

I bathed in sorrow and impossibility and it is there that you found me

And breathed life into me.

Loved me.

I’ll hold your sorrow

Claim it as my own…so you….you my dearest love

Can sleep peacefully

I will own your frustration so I can see you smile

God, how I adore that smile.

You have me…I am here

With you, beside you

Loving you so much sometimes I think my heart is going to explode.

I was born to love you

All of you.

The tender parts, the angry parts

I hold them in my heart|

Because you…you my dearest love…you are my heart.

I’m not going anywhere…unless it’s to where you are

Even when I am alone…I am never really alone

You are with me

You surround me…you encompass me

You are my soul.

You are my inspiration

My muse

My light and my love…and you are adored

I don’t really think you know just how much.

Let me hold you

And your burdens

Let me love you when you feel unlovable.

Let me kiss you…until you remember…

Until you remember it is me…me that loves you most

And there is nothing…nothing I would not do for you.

I will not let you fall.

You will never ever fail.

My dearest, sweetest love

You’ve set my heart on fire.

I love you.

I love you.

For everything you are and everything you have ever been to me…I love you.

I love you…even though you don’t really know me…

I just don’t allow you.

I guess I don’t have faith in the fact that you will love me no matter what.

But I know that you love me…

And struggle to let me just be…I see how hard it is for you to not interfere.

I do.

When you told me today that you were proud of me…and got tears in your eyes…well you know…you killed me….

I never want to see my daddy cry…

I know your dreams and hate that I can’t make them come true

You think it’s a stubborn thing…

No daddy…it’s a “me” thing.

I know you would never understand, so I sit quietly on the sidelines almost hoping you’d just figure it out…just get it.

I’m just not ready to deal with the aftermath

I am just not ready to lose you.

I love you SO much…that I sacrifice myself…to save you.

I quiet my joy…I silence my love…so I may never have to make you uncomfortable.

Because I love you no matter what…with all your faults, with all the mistakes you ever made…with all the pain you have caused me through trial and error…

I love you daddy.

And I wish I could tell you that I am loved.  That I am protected and cared for.

That I am cherished and adored…and treated like the princess you created.

I wish I could brag and gush and tell you about my heart…and the way it beats…and the way it loves…

I wish I could tell you I found everything you ever wanted me to find…you know…the things you always said I deserved???

Well I found those things daddy…and I want to tell the world…I want to write sonnets and books of poetry to profess the love I have… that many never will.

I want to be corny and mushy…make people sick of me…

I want to grin from ear to ear and announce to the whole damn world that I am so madly, deeply in love.

But I’ll save that for another day…

I love you that much…

I try really hard.  I do.
To be responsible, get ahead, save a penny for a rainy day
But I always seem to come up short

Empty wallet and people wanting more
And more and more…
And so it goes.

I am past the point of living paycheck to paycheck.
“being comfortable” is a term I no longer know.
I can’t catch a break.

I just want a break.
Do you hear that universe?  I just want a freaking break
And to be able to breathe, relax, chill the fuck out for a minute or two.

I am soooo very tired of being broke.
Living like a pauper.

Can I just take a nap and wake up comfortably rich?

The words…so very clear in my mind
Seem foreign in my translation.
Silence greets me as I sit here to tell you the tale
Of a girl who loved a girl who loved a girl

Blank pages of paper
Mock me
And I wonder…maybe…just maybe
I am supposed to just keep the words there
In my head.
Keep them for myself
Not say them out loud
Shhh

You want answers…pages and pages of explanations

After your rage/anger/sadness/gloom/tears
Run their course
Perhaps you will see that the answer is quite simple.

I love her more.

~february 5, 2010

i waited for your call tonight
like i waited the night before…and the night before that
it doesn’t come
days run into nights and nights into days…i don’t know where i am anymore
i’m just so lost.

love is so confusing
the one emotion that can bring you so much joy, can cause you the most pain.
can make you smile from ear to ear, or rip your fuking heart out.
you ripped my fuking heart out.

i lay in bed and can’t stop the images i see
in the bed i shared with you, in our bed.
i remember all the words you whispered in my ear, your touch…your kiss
those are all someone elses now
how can i lay alone, in so much pain…while you whisper my sweet nothings in her ear?
how can u kiss her face, hold her hand, tell her your secrets
when those were mine to have.
you gave all that to me…so how can u take it away?

how is it fair that you are happy and i am so broken?

do you think of me?  do you love her more????
of course you love her more.

but she can’t love you like i do
she can’t make you laugh the way i do…understand you the way i do.
she can’t
i know she can’t

you said we would be together…in a forever kind of way
what does a 21 year old kid know about love?? probably as much as a 25 year old fool
cause that’s all i am.
a fool

i love you.
i don’t know how to do this without you

Initially I was angry with you for not allowing me a say in the matter.  For not allowing me to at least try to figure things out…
Find a way to have a life…together…like we had always talked about before.

You wanted out.  And like I told you many times before I didn’t like it however a small part of me could empathize.

You wanted out.  Out of our lives.
And so that’s what you got.

The first while was hard.  In hindsight I think it was hard because it was a change in my life, my routine.  I had made you the biggest part of my life…and now that part was empty.
The time went by so slowly.  I tortured myself..checking my mail at least a million times a day.

The silence of you became customary…and quite honestly…it was welcomed.
I didn’t want any part of you.
Out came the big guns…just completely blocking you out of my life.

What you need to understand is…the very thing you wanted…was actually the very thing I wanted too.

Now you come around…changing your mind.  Every couple of months it’s the same thing.  Now you regret, now you want…now you understand.

It’s too late my friend.  Too late.

It’s almost ironic.  The things you thought you wanted, you don’t want at all. The things I thought I wanted…I don’t want at all.

I feel like a brand new person…or maybe I feel like the old me.  I have clarity.  I have love in abundance.
I have friends who love me…and want nothing more of me.

I have everything I need.

At the end of the day….i don’t miss you.  I don’t long to hear from you or wish I could tell you stories.  I wonder if I ever truly liked you.

I don’t yearn to run into you somewhere…where I think you could be.
You are not on my brain, in my heart or part of my soul.
It’s amazing how free I feel without you.  It’s amazing how I am ok with not having you in my life.

It’s ok mj…maybe one day you’ll see it too.

Having you in my life is too toxic….too negative….too much.
Loving someone should never have to be that hard.